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Clearing up a few things...

I did not carve the fjords.
I did not sink Atlantis.
I did not sink Lemuria, either.

I did not cause the extinction of the dinosaurs.
I did not fly away with wings of feathers and wax.
I did not cause the Red Sea to stop parting.

I did not sack Rome.
I did not burn the library at Alexandria.
I did not start the Peshtigo Fire. Or the smaller Chicago Fire.

I did not tell Phineas Gage to set that charge.
I did not cause the Tunguska event.
I was not steering the Titanic.

I did not plot against Archduke Ferdinand.
I had nothing to do with the Lusitania sinking.
Nor the Maine. Nor the Andrea Doria. Nor the Edmund Fitzgerald.

Nor was I ever aboard or even near the Minnow.
I was not involved in the Russian revolution of 1917.
I was not involved in the other Russian revolution of 1917, either.

I did not flunk A. Hitler.
I was not in Lakehurst, NJ to meet the Hindenberg.
I did not give Isadora Duncan that scarf. Or that automobile.

I did not tell Glenn Miller that he should fly ahead.
I did not start a cult on a bet. Or otherwise, for that matter.
I was not on the grassy knoll.

I did not introduce Yoko to John.
I did not erase that 18 and a half minutes of tape.
I did not go on stage with a boomerang fish act.

I was not in the control room at Three Mile Island.
I did not trigger the New Madrid fault.
I did not build this city on rock'n'roll.

I did not sleep in the Lincoln bedroom.
I did not invent "con crud."
I did not invent "creation science" whatever that is supposed to be.

I did not make a full-scale model of the planet Saturn.
I did not build a doomsday device.
I did not come up with another good entry to make this list divisible by three - yet.

I never met Thomas Edison, Henry Ford, Harvey Firestone, Samuel Clemens, Nikola Tesla, George Westinghouse, Albert Einstein, Douglas Adams, Clyde Tombaugh, Percival Lowell, William Herschel, John Herschel, Richard Feynman, Leo Szilard, Enrico Fermi, Edward Teller, Seymour Cray, Jules Verne, or H.G. Wells.

Nor have I met Charlie Tuna, Joe Camel, Spuds MacKenzie, Tony (the) Tiger, Toucan Sam, Cap'n Crunch, the Trix Rabbit, Sonny the Coco Puffs Cuckoo, Snap, Crackle, Pop, Lucky (the) Leprechaun, Sugar Bear, Count Chocula, the Pop-tarts Yeti, or Cookie Jarvis.